Chapter 2 Bogota

So what did I learn during my first two weeks of this solo adventure?

Being by yourself is tough. The first two days I didn’t meet anyone other than my Air BNB hosts. Going out last night and meeting new people, made me feel better. It’s always daunting to approach new people for me, especially in a foreign country. The harmful interactions are always outshined by the significant interactions in which you form a deep connection with someone you had no idea existed half an hour earlier. It’s crazy to think about how different we are, yet so similar. It’s insane to make a connection with a completely different background. It’s also insane finding someone from the same place as you, to be in the same place, doing the same thing. It makes this vast world feel incredibly small.

I started this journey to change. But the more instances I’m put in which push me to change, I go back and revert to my old ways. I also realized how I still rely heavily on others, which bothers me. I will definitely have my own place in Ecuador, and if I wish to meet new people I will go to a hostel.

During the past few days, I’ve been more reserved in Bogota. I haven’t spoken or messaged people as I am trying to focus on work and bettering myself. Thus, I’ve been alone. Now being is usually seen as a bad thing. There are two types of people who are alone. Those who choose to be alone and those who don’t have others. I am of the former. In this situation I am in, I am alone, but don’t feel alone. The feeling of loneliness is quite terrifying. It makes me feel as if I’m sinker deeper and deeper into a vacant dark void. The oddest thing is that I mostly feel this type of loneliness when I am around others. The feeling is triggered by not being understood and seen. Because obviously when there’s no one around, you won’t be seen, but when you feel unseen surrounded by many others, it feels dreadful. In social situations you naturally want to be acknowledged, but

It seems like everyone is in a rush nowadays. Looking around myself, whether I’m at a busy corner in the city, or with a small group of friends, I see them like a large school of fish moving rapidly in the same direction. And I wonder, why are you all in such a hurry and where do you intend on going. Everyone is in a hurry to achieve these milestones of life so much so, they forget actually to live. People are always constantly on the go and thinking about what to do next, fuck I’m even a culprit of that. Are you ever eating a meal and at the same time thinking about what meal you're going to eat next. Or are you ever doing something, like hanging out with friends, and at the same time are planning what to do later in the day? Recently, I’ve been doing that more frequently than I like, and stepping away and not doing anything has really helped. Because if you don’t plan for the future you must just accept the now. The future will eventually come, but I’ll worry about that when I get there.

Right now I’m at a point where I don’t know what I want to do. Leading up to this year, the plan was to become a doctor. I realized that I wasn’t doing that for myself and didn’t know what I wanted to truly do. Losing a passion like that is really detrimental to your mental health, losing that purpose has left a void in me that has yet to fill. And that’s why I’m traveling the world, because maybe with this independence I may find out what I really want. Being in these drastically different settings, not only will I find out more about the world, but also about myself.

Whenever I’m leaving an airport after a trip I’m flooded with thoughts and emotions. But this time it was different because I wasn’t at the airport to go home, I was there to embark on the next part of my journey.